I admit it...for a long time I have struggled with an addiction to people pleasing. Granted...those who know me today would probably say I am better at NOT pleasing people. My response is simply this: everybody's got to be good at SOMETHING!
Actually...I started thinking about this the other day at breakfast with a retired pastor friend of mine from Windsor, Ontario. Chuck's a wonderful guy....35 years in ONE church...one that prospered under his leadership.
He retired a couple of years ago. At breakfast the other day I asked him what he has looked most forward to in retirement. His response shocked me. He said the thing he looked forward to most was NOT DISAPPOINTING PEOPLE EVERYDAY. To tell you the truth...I stopped in mid-bite of my breakfast to ask him to repeat himself. I was incredulous. He had just articulated what I had long felt.
One of the hard parts of pastoral ministry is the constant sense that somewhere, someone is pointing their finger at you and asking WHY you're doing something a certain way or why you are NOT doing something a certain way. In a very real sense...that you're always disappointing someone.
I awoke the other morning with this on my mind. As is often the case, the Holy Spirit uses early morning to speak to my heart before the background noise of the day gets too loud. What He said was surprising. 'Disappointment is the difference between performance and expectation.' What He said next was healing to my soul. 'I can't really control the expectations of others. What I CAN control is HOW I live. And How CLOSE I live to Jesus.' I love how the Spirit speaks to our broken places.
Then a question began to occur to me: when people are disappointed and they express that disappointment hurtfully...are they expressing that hurt to me as a pastor or to me as a brother in Christ. Honestly, I suspect it's more the former...as a pastor.
As pastors, we are open targets for unhappy consumer-Christians. Our sermons are commodities that are compared to other sermons like items in the produce section of Food Lion. Our programs are all compared to other programs at other churches larger and smaller. And if we come up short, we're reminded of the deficiency.
What I've come to is this: unless someone is willing to relate to me as a fellow Christ-follower first, I will no longer be the recipient of their disappointment. To quote St. Mick of the order of the Rolling Stones... 'you can't always get what you want'. From here on out, I will first ask...are you speaking to me as a pastor or a brother? If we can establish the brotherhood first, then the rest will be a conversation of one heart to the other. In THAT we will BOTH find Jesus.
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It should always be as a brother, but I think it seldom is. We don't approach each other as a friend/brother with problems and needs, the "listener/fixer" may take on some of the issues as their own. We certainly do not need any additional "stuff" in our lives, but to listen, share, comfort and not take on the "stuff" is not always so easy. Be ye Christian or not. I think when we approach to the "pastor" we are sometimes looking for that quick fix. You do have that direct line to God, right? This is really the easy road, you do the work instead of me.
I still miss your music.
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